I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
