What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
