if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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