I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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