Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
