Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
