Im at strip club and am horny
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
