He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
