I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
