well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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