he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
