if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My cat gives me a boner
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize