dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
