this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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