I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
oh god was she eating orange peels again
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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