I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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