So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
