um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
