i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
It's never too late to be topless.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
