Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
When did we convert life to cartoon?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
