I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
