grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
