My liver just broke up with me...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
