Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just googled if crying burns calories
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize