It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
