So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
