She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just forgot I was standing up.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
