I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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