Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
