oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
