is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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