in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
