Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
