This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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