at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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