just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
