The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
