I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
