My hand turned me down
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
