you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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