bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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