i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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