I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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