My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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