my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
