Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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