Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
