I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
