Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
