went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
