This house was built for laser tag.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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