She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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