I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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