just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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