I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
