I am puke
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
