Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Randomize
