i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
