oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
