Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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