The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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