why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Dear god my vagina.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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