I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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