u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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