Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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