Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
