Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
