you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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