last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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